1. i can’t find my motivation. i have motivation to do some things but when it comes to like, going to the gym (THAT I PAID FOR), i have no interest at all. swimming will dry me out and running will hurt my legs and other things are boring alone and i am just feeling so down about this missing motivation. where could it have gone? i do not know.
this is currently made worse by the fact that i recently was reading through notes my teammates on the high school swim team had written me before our biggest meet of the year (each of the four years i was on the team) and so many of them commented on how i motivated them when they wanted to quit and they were so inspired by me blah blah blah. i highly doubt i inspire anyone these days.
2. after 5.5 years in colorado, i still cannot understand how to live in this state when my family and many of my friends are still in my home state, 1,300 miles away. there are specific reasons why i am here, but there are also specific reasons why i want to go home. i won’t - i have a timeline i guess - but i am still sad that i have to be here. especially because sometimes i just want to be able to go see my mom or my dad or my brother or my friends at HOME and sometimes people here are just flaky enough to be frustrating and the altitude and the cost of living and and and. plus, someday i want to meet a man and get married and have a family and i do not want to do that in colorado, so i just feel like i am going to be alone until i can meet someone who wants to go where i want to go. and i don’t know if that someone exists. and it’s sad.
man i am whiny but i had to get it out.
bonus third thing: i cooked bacon at lunchtime and now i smell like bacon. not sure if that is good or bad.